learning and growing

I’ve done a lot of this lately.

It occured to me the other day that when God tells you to wait for something, its not just because He’s teaching you patience.  I mean, maybe He is.  But…I think we chalk it up to that because we hate waiting and we are impatient, yes, so we just say, well, i have to be patient (heavy sigh) and end up screwing things up because we’re still impatient.  Maybe that’s a little pessemistic…woops.  anyway, the point being…God’s not teaching me patience right now.  I suppose that’s part of it, but it’s like, a relatively unimportant side-note.  God is teaching me to trust His plan.  God is working on me.  In my life.  Taking baggage off my shoulders and showing me that I don’t have to be afraid to let others help me carry it.  So much of the time, when people have to wait for somehting they just become frustrated that they are being made to wait, but seriously, especially when God is the one making you wait, there’s a reason for it.  Not a passive one either…God is working. We don’t always get it until afterwards…but…I mean…God knows what He’s doing.

It’s hard to trust that sometimes.  But…well, it’s true.

I haven’t blogged as much lately.  Part of it I think is that I never really do over the summer and I just haven’t gotten back into it yet.  But also, I’ve been dumping a lot of stuff on people lately, rather than on paper (or into computer).  this is incredibly good for me.  So…I have less of a need for an outlet, I suppose.  There’s also the fact that, lets be serious, there are certain things I’m just not going to write on the internet for the entire world to see.  I mean, I know this is disappointing to all of you who read this (I don’t really know who reads this…), that I’m not going to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets (i’m not sure I even have secrets that I would define as “deep and dark”…).  I’m not really sure where I’m going with this…just…I don’t know…maybe my blogging is done?  probably not.  it’ll just be a little more random and sporadic.  Maybe.  I don’t actually know.  I’m rambling.  I’m going to stop now.

Side note: “Once upon a time…” is the title of this thing.  Let it be known that my life, at the moment, is not like a fairy tale.  In fact, it never has been.  If it ever does start to resemble a fairy tale, I’m definitely going to write a book about it and become a millionaire, because it will be the most messed up/weird/hilarious fairy tale EVER.

First week of the fifth year

So I have (nearly) accomplished my first week of my 5th year of college.  Woot.  It’s a little different being a fifth year senior.  I just feel really….comfortable.  I know what I’m doing.  I’m also not nearly as busy as i’ve been, which i can definitely get used to, and am fairly excited about (a) having free time, (b) having a social life, and (c) sleeping a decent amount.  I’ve got an ed class, whcih I can’t really tell how I feel about it yet…the prof is really hard to follow.  He’s from australia though, so the accent is a plus.  My lit class is going to be absolutely AMAZING.  The prof is hilarious.  And really, i enjoy reading.  so why not?  Anyway, also in band, orchestra, and band.  yes, two bands.  I’ll be playing percussion in knollcrest band this time instead of tuba.  should be interesting.  I’ve got second chair in orchestra, which is exciting, and will also be conducting a piece on the concert (which, by the way, i am WAY excited about).  I don’t know what about calvin band yet…we haven’t actually had a rehearsal yet.  tomorrow!  it will be good.

Also, fyi, we have a futon as a couch.  i am excited about this.  mostly because we now have something that functions as a couch.  for awhile we didn’t….our living room had a lot of empty space.

and another random tidbit: tomorrow i am calling to hopefully get us some tv and internet.  we’ll see how that goes…they’re going to try to coerse me into spending lots of money, and I am going to disappoint them greatly.

That was not very exciting.  Maybe I will have some cool stories to tell later?

Life is currently…

…I don’t really know how to describe my life currently, actually.  Jesus is doing a lot of things.  I’m preparing to go back to school for a final year, into a living situation that i’m sure will prove to be wonderful (I have no doubts), but one that will be very different than what I have experienced in the past.  I’m going to have a ton of time fall semester, potentially enough to actually have some sort of social life, and absolutely zero time next semester.  I’ve just finished an amazing summer, and have learned a lot about myself and things i need to work on in order to better work with and serve people.  I’ve been having some rather intense conversations lately…which are really good…but somewhat emotionally draining.  Jesus is doing a lot.  he’s going to do a lot this year.  I am playing a game of waiting.  Waiting for guidance, waiting for direction, waiting to know what I am supposed to be doing, where I am supposed to be going, and who is going to be there with me.  It is an exercise in patience and trust.  I have an unshakable feeling that God is going to be doing a LOT of work on me this year.  But the wonderful thing about all of this is that I KNOW that i’m on the right track with it all.  I mean, yeah, I’ll freak out about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life…but I AM trusting, and I AM waiting for guidance…which means that whenever His plan is reavealed to me, it will be SO GOOD.  It does suck waiting sometimes…and not really knowing what’s going to happen.  But I can rest in the assurance that God’s plan is much better than anything that I can forsee happening.

It will be very interesting to watch this happen…and see what comes of everything.

That is all for now, I believe.  More to come later, for certain.

El Fin

Summer is over.  Almost.  I’ve got about 2 and a half weeks until I head back to Michigan, but camp is now over.  I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about what all happened.  I think I’m going to have to call Tony and have a conversation with him in order to decompress fully, which will be interesting in many ways, undoubtedly.  In some ways I think I did really well…and in some ways not so well.  So it goes, I suppose.

I am currently taking a day off of doing anything (except possibly going to the store at some point).  It is very nice.  VERY nice.  I just got back from a weekend down in so cal: disneyland ALL DAY on my birthday, then mini golf and just hanging out, some wandering around down town laguna niguel, and a different birthday party for some people who were on staff this summer.  I’m pretty sure it’s the best birthday I’ve ever had.  Good people, fun times…and nothing bad happened (to my knowledge, anyway).  Bad things tend to happen on or around my birthday….but not this time!

So…yup.  I suppose that’s it as far as an update goes, at the moment.  Abrupt end!

joy. love. laughter. peace. Jesus.

I’ve finally gotten the hang of my job.  Finally finding joy in it.  Joy.  And the summer is nearly over…but so it goes, right?  This summer has been….I don’t actually know how to describe it.  A lot has happened.

Church.  I gave a sermon.  Jesus spoke.  I dont think i got in the way.  At least, not too much.

I got in a fight with one of my best friends.  It hurt.  I dont get angry often (or ever)…I don’t want to do it again.

Exhaustion.  I am so tired.  Saturdays I am just done all day.  Sleep time.  Rest time.  Me time.  Need to be away from people time.

Spiritual warfare.  We fought something last sunday…and Jesus won, and the enemy fled.  So amazing to see the change in Reddingham after that night.

Loving my job.  Finally, at week 6.  Finally starting to feel a little settled and less frazzled.

Greys mountain with campers, one of the best things i’ve done all summer.  Super chill, and seeing an older counselor, who had trouble participating because her first language is spanish, seeing her get into the river with all her clothes on, just beaming with joy….oh SO good.  She has a great story.  I thank God for the few minutes afterward I spent talking with her.  She blessed me.

Week 7, and we have a cat in the hut.  Borrowed from the Sloases.  Love them.  SO much.  Again, doubly blessed.

I’m learning a lot about myself.  Fighting off insecurities.  Or inviting them in and working through them.  I’ve had some amazing support this summer.  And a lot of hugs (and I’ve needed every single one of them).

It has been good.  Sometimes hard, sometimes frustrating, sometimes something of an emotional roller coaster, but it has also been full of joy and laughter and love.  I am excited to see what the next week and a half will bring….

Church

I’ve been chewing on the concept of the church for awhile now.  What the church is.  What it should be.  How it can change.  How i can be involved in a way that is condusive to it working how it should, rather than how it does.  What it means to live in community, to support, to be supported, to hold others accountable, to be held accountable.  I’ve rebelled to an extent against the concept of church that I grew up in.  I’ve discovered how to understand things for myself, and discovered that I really want to be in the community of the church, but as it should exist, rather than as it does exist.

After all of this…I’m preaching in church next sunday.  My team will be heading up the worship service.  I’m am exhilarated.  I am also terrified.

I know what I need to do.  I need to be honest. Open.  Laid bare.  Yes, in front of everyone.  No, this does not mean I’m going to tell my entire life story, but I KNOW that a certain amount of openness will be required of me in giving the sermon.  I mean, if it is going to be done well, and as it should be. It makes me uncomfortable.

In my weakness, God will be my strength.

Moses couldn’t speak.  He did a whole heck of a lot.  I can’t very well complain, can i?

All the same, prayers would be appreciated.