I must tell you the story of this concert.  I must.

I wasn’t terribly nervous.  Or, I was nervous in my own way beforehand (quite nervous), but not so much on stage, which was really nice.  It was kind of strange, really, because it was such a big deal, but I knew that there was hardly anyone in the audience that was there to see me.  you know?  Not many friends, no family…and I really wished my family could have been there.  But anyway, waiting around for the thing to start was the worst part.  As far as playing goes, it went pretty well.  I had a few blips (one toward the beginning that I felt was pretty noticable…oh not happy with myself about that one), but for the most part it went well, and the cadenza went really well, and that’s all funky and at the end so it’s what people remember.  Right as I finished playing some guy in the audience was like, “yeah!” and it made me happy.  I’ve no idea who it was; I wish I knew!

Of course there is the litany of bowing that happens after solo performances.  Once that was over with Nord congradulated me, and the strings vacated the stage for the shortest intermission ever held at a concert (seriously like 5 minutes).  Dathan (the concert master) must have gone out to get a drink or something, but when he came backstage again, he handed me a card.  “Some bearded man asked me if I knew and and told me to give you this.”  I opened the card, trying to figure out what bearded men I knew, and the card was from my dad, and also contained pictures of my mom and brothers.  Three pictures actually….one of them listening attentively, one of them applauding, and one of them wildly applauding.  It was really funny.  But my dad was not in the pictures…and my dad also has a beard….so I grabbed Dathan, literally as he was about to walk out on stage again, and i was like, “who?  what?….” (words failed me, as so often happens.)  He was like, “I don’t know, guy with a big white beard.”  And he shrugged and went out on stage.  and I said, out loud, to anyone who was listening, “I think my dad is here.”

Nord was standing right there.  Do you know what Nord said?  Oh, so ridiculous.  “He is,” he says.  He is!  I was somewhat flabbergasted.  “I was sworn to secrecy!  I couldn’t tell you.”  Nord!  Bah!!!  Nord knew my dad was coming.  what?!  Anyway, I was beside myself with excitement.  And of course the concert was starting again, so I couldn’t go find him…but I was telling every random person I saw in orchestra that he was there.  Well, that’s not true, not every random person…but all the people I knew who happened to stop by to say congradulations.

Anyway, the concert finished and we did some more bowing (I’ve never bowed so much in my life), and I went back and got rid of my music and blah blah blah, and ran into a ton of audience members who for some reason were in the backstage area, who were all apparently really impressed with me.  I got SO much positive feedback from people, that it was just an amazing piece, that they’d never heard a flute sound like that before (if I could have a nickle for every time someone has said that to me in the last year or so…), that it was their favorite piece on the program, just all kinds of stuff that pretty much put to rest any thoughts that the mistakes I made were a big deal at all.  People asked how I could bend the pitch, and if I was humming for part of it (singing, yes), and I was really taken aback by how appreciated I was by all these people I didn’t know at all.

And then of course, there was my dad.  My family, of course, had made a really big deal about being sad that they couldn’t come, but my mother had insisted that one of them go, and though she really wanted to, she couldn’t, so it had to be my dad.  Which, of course, he came, but insisted on surprising me.  Which, this really has been the best surprise ever, I think.  Because this isn’t the kind of surprise that drives me crazy with curiosity.  this was a real surprise.  Did.  Not.  Expect.  This.  At.  All.  I don’t think I can express to you how excited I was.  So he had flown in that afternoon, and he’s leaving this afternoon.  Yesterday after the concert we didn’t really do anything.  Just came back to my apartment and surprised Hallie with the bearded man who would be sleeping on our couch (thank you to Hallie’s grandma for giving us the futon!), and hung out.  I was happy.  I love my dad.  Currently he’s getting a chip in my windshield fixed (he offered), and then he’s going to take Hallie and I out to lunch.  And then he has to leave.  But I’ll see him again Tuesday night   (or early wednesday morning, as the case may be).

And so, the epic saga of the concerto concert has come to a close.  As will (very soon) this semester.

This is the season of advent.  The season of waiting.  Of preparation.  Of anticipation.  Of constantly being on the brink of something incredible, moving closer and closer to the edge until it comes, and suddenly you are free falling into the arms of a savior, but in a way that you never could have expected or foreseen.  Christ being born was something that had been waited on for centuries, but something that precious few people recognized when it happened.  Why?  Well, because God has this thing about doing things His way rather than exactly how we expect.  Which turns out better in the end, obviously, but makes it more difficult for most people to come to terms with.  Because it’s not what we expect, it’s not what we’re prepared for, it’s not what we want. Or at least, it’s not what we think we want.  The Jews wanted someone who would conquer the Romans.  Instead they got something of a nobody from a small town.  A carpenter’s son.  A man who spoke of loving enemies and who went and ate with tax collectors, of all people.  But this man….he loved people.  He healed them.  He cast out demons.  He forgave sins. No, he did not lead a revolution against the Romans.  He did something much much better.

I am living in a season of Advent.  I am waiting.  My future is a blank slate after May, and I am waiting to see what will happen.  What will God do?  What will become of me?  Already He has done a whole lot that I most definitely did not expect (or even welcome), but it has been incredibly good.  I am learning to let go.  Learning to trust.  Getting closer to that free fall that will overtake me when all is revealed, and growing stronger in the faith that God will be there to catch me.  Advent is a time of waiting…but it is not stagnant.  It is not useless.  God uses that time to prepare those who are waiting.  I am not just waiting for something, I am in preparation. As I said, I am learning to trust….

Go to the land that I will show you.  That is what God told Abram.  That is what God is telling me.  Go to the land I will show you.  Trust me, He says.  Trust me.  I will catch you.

Two things specifically about penguins: first, flutes got 3rd place in the christmas pops costume contest.  Pretty impressive seeing as our costumes were made from garbage bags.  and yes, we were penguins.  It actually turned out really well.  I mean, considering we thought it up on friday and put the stuff together saturnday morning.  So anyway, that was exciting.  And Christmas pops was a fun time, as usual.  Santa came, there were corny jokes, a small child conducted, and we were read the story of the night before Christmas.  Same old, but good.  It also ate up most of my day, but that’s alright, I’ll get some good work done today (I hope).

also about penguins: I wasted like 2 hours playing stupid online games with david and hallie last night.  It was kind of ridiculous.  Especially since david was on speaker phone and my phone was sitting between hallie and i on the couch.  I find this kind of funny.  Anyway, there was a ridiculous penguine golfing game.  I’m not very good at it.  But this should come as no surprise to anyone.  And I think i would be good at the pictionary game if i could draw with something other than the touchpad on my laptop.

Not relating to penguins at all: I am going to church today, and the college group is having a christmas party.  It will be fun times   I’m also going to lessons and carols tonight with natalie, which will also be fun times.  I’m actually looking forward to this concert.  I mean, I’m partially going because I still need to do a music major card thing, but I really like that concert, and I’m pretty sure I’d go anyway.  I also need to call my parents tonight.  I’ve been so bad about calling them this semester.  Instead of talking once a week, it’s been once every two or three weeks.  So bad!  Hopefully I’ll be better about it next semester.

Coming up this week: philosophy of education outline (monday), symphonic band concert (wednesday), concerto concert (friday), lit paper (friday).  And then the philosophy of education paper is due the next monday, and my lit exam is tuesday morning, and then I will be flying home! 

I have been waiting for this month for a long time.  And now it is here.  I’m kind of in awe that I made it.  Not that it’s over yet.  But you know…soon.  So…things to look forward to this month:

1.  concerto concert.  yeah, kind of intense, but I’m really looking forward to this performance.  It will be fun

2.  The end of my last academic semester of college.  yes, after this it’s just student teaching and then I’m done!

3.  Home.  Vacation.  Nothing to do.  I mean, no homework, no papers (like the one I’m avoiding doing right now….whoops…), and I can sleep as much as I want/need.  Oh SO nice.

4.  Seeing family.  I don’t get to see them too often.  It will be good.

5.  Seeing friends that live in CA.  There are some people I miss a lot, when I am here….

6.  Christmas.  Le duh.

7.  New years.  It will be at camp again, with some of the best people ever.  Such goodness

2 weeks from today I will be home sweet california home….

My visible future is coming to an end.  that sounds mildly depressing….it is actually not depressing, but exciting and somewhat terrifying.  I graduate in May.  After that …is a very large question mark.   I won’t be able to really start job hunting until half way through spring semester and into summer.  I can’t know where i’ll be until probably April at the absolute earliest.  I could end up practically anywhere.  Like I said, exciting…but terrifying.  there are a lot of what ifs.  Most of them are ridiculous, and things I should not be stressing out over at all.

What if I fail my subject area test and can’t get my credential?  (this would be incredibly bad…the only date I can take the test is April 17, and if I don’t pass it then, I’ll have to fly back out in the middle of summer to take it.  sick.)

What if I can’t find a job?  (I know a lot of people who graduated last year and still don’t have jobs…although me being willing to go practically anywhere is probably a help…)

What if I can’t find a job that I really want? (I’d like to do middle school…what if I don’t get a middle school job but get offered a job teaching general music at an elementary school?)

What if I suck at my job?  (Ok…I know this is probably a little extreme…but I KNOW there are some things I’m not very good at.)

What if I don’t like my job?  (as in…what if I just don’t like teaching music in general?)

What if I don’t get a job in the place that I want/near the people I want to be close to?

What if I get stuck somewhere and never get to go to europe again?

What if I end up being a stay at home mom and never get back into doing music after that?  (is that a really irrational fear?  because sometimes I’m really afraid of that happening…)

What if an ateroid lands in the ocean creating a giant tidal wave which wipes out half the state of California, and then another one lands in the middle of Texas, launching enough dirt into the atmosphere to block out the sun and cause a second ice age?  (….kidding!  i’m not that irrational.)

The thing is, I KNOW it will work out in the end.  I KNOW God is in control of all of this.  I know that whatever happens and wherever I end up will be good in whatever way God has meant for it to be good, and while I do need to be proactive in looking for jobs when that time comes, and I do need to spend a lot of time in prayer seeking after what He wants, I also need to not worry about it.  Because in the end, it’s not about me.

So thursday was the concerto competition.  If you are not aware of how this works, it’s when a bunch of people at calvin audition or compete (or whatever you want to call it) for the opportunity to play a concerto (or movement thereof) with the orchestra in a concert.  There are usually 4 or 5 winners, depending on how many compedators there are.  I took part in this competition, playing the first movement of the Indigo Concerto by Efrain Amaya.  It’s a new piece…didn’t actually have a piano reduction to the orchestral score until, oh, about 3 weeks ago.  Which made for fun times for me and Gwen putting it together.  But SOMEHOW we managed it….and i’m one of the winners!!!!  EXCITEMENT!!!!!  This is absolutely incredible in my mind.  I am going to play a concerto…with an orcehstra.  Of course, come december, I will be a giant ball of stress because of it.  But it will still be an amazing thing to do.

Today is halloween.  Hallie and I stayed home and were going to hand out candy to trick or treaters.  Two things have kind of dampened the evening.  The first is that I am sick…which started on thursday (which makes the whole concerto thing really kind of a miracle), and I don’t feel terrible, I just get really tired really fast whenever I try to get up and do anything.  And I cough a lot.  And I’ve lost my voice pretty bad.  Anyway, the other thing that kind of killed the evening is that we didn’t actually get any trick or treaters.  Lame!  Oh well.  We’re watching young frankenstein right now, which is definitely one of my favorites (and one of the few mel brooks movies that i really like).  So…its a good time anyway.  I’m sure I’ll go to bed ridiculously early again…and be lame…but on the bright side, I’ll get an extra hour of sleep tonight…

In other news, this coming week is going to be insane again, as well as next weekend.  I am praying that my health is back to normal by monday, or tuesday at the latest, and that I can get all my homework and stuff done before that.  Concerts and more concerts.  But after next weekend I’ll have much more of a break.  Thankfully.  there’s also the matter of thanksgiving…got to figure out what I’m doing there.  I’ll probably stick around…so I can work…but I haven’t really given it much thought.  I probably won’t until after next weekend.

Mmmmmok, I think i’m done now.  happy halloween!

I liked the movie a lot.

Yes, it was different than the book.  Of course it was.  The book takes all of a minute and a half to read, and that’s if you take a decent amount of time looking at the pictures.  I don’t want to say there’s nothing to it (because that’s not true), but it is very short.  There’s enough implied, enough to get your imagination going…but…well, that’s what you have to do in making a movie i guess as well.  read the book, and just let it get your imagination going.

It was like being inside the mind of a child.  There was no lack of complexity, no lack of depth.  There was a lot of depth, actually.  Kids have that, you know.  we don’t give them credit for it most of the time, but oh man, they’ve got it.  Just because they use their imaginations, because they travel to lands of their own making on a regular basis, because they react without thinking at times, because they say things which follow a very logical path, and make perfect sense, only because they have not yet experienced the vital piece of information that would denounce what they have said….because of this, adults (and oh, do we do think we are high and mighty, old and wise, make no mistake) look down at the child who says and does such things, smile a little to themselves, give the kid a nice little pat on the head, and move on with their lives.  But there is depth.  There is SO much depth in simplicity and childlike imagination.

the movie was deep in a lot of ways.  Max is like any other kid in the world.  He has a moody teenage sister, his parents are divorced, he loses his temper and regrets it the moment after, his mom makes frozen corn even though he doesn’t like it.  It’s no fairy tale, it’s life.  So he goes to where the wild things are…there are complexities there too.  It doesn’t go away.  Even in his escape, reality raises its ugly head, and he learns from it.  But there was so much in the movie that was just….child like.  Things he said.  things that happened.  It was all….I was in 3rd grade again running around on a playground, or playing make-believe sorts of things with friends.  Real life is there…but there’s this quality of imagination and fun that can suddenly turn everything around.  It doesn’t distinguish itself completely from reality either…it’s all kind of intertwined.

In the end…I just always want to find joy in little things.  Like playgrounds.  And tire swings.  I want to be the grandma that goes to the park with her grandkids and crawls around in the small spaces as much as my body will allow, and not just push kids on swings but swing on them myself.  I don’t want to be consumed by the adult world and all sorts of adult things.  I’ll live in it, I’ll work, I’ll pay bills, I’ll deal with whatever.  But I will find joy in the small things.  I will make up silly stories sometimes.  I will spend a friday night watching a disney movie.  I will read bedtime stories to anyone who will listen.  I will get excited about tire swings.

(this is in no particular order)

1.  conduct a symphony orchestra

2.  compose something that’s actually good

3.  live somewhere in europe.  Or at least visit for a semi-extended period of time.  I’ve GOT to go to Vienna at some point.  And I’d really like to see Romania again.   And be in England long enough to aquire an accent

4.  get married/kids/all that jazz…actually really excited about being a grandparent.  Is that weird?  I will tell when-i-was-your-age stories to my grandkids all the time.  but not the ones that guilt trip you into eating your vegetables.  just fun ones

5.  know what i’m supposed to be doing with my life

6.  learn how to swing dance.  (this could be a disaster.  but i don’t care)

7.  have time to read for fun again.

8.  grow old, but somehow never let go of the 10 year old kid inside of me (I want to always be excited about tire swings).

9.  learn how to play a fiddle.  i mean, i’d like to learn a bit of violin as well…

10.  be able to look back on my life and say to myself, “yeah….yeah, this has been good.”  and then just smile.

I would have laughed in you face if you had told me at the beginning of my senior year of high school that a year from them I would be going to school in Michigan as a music education major.

I would have denied vehemently if you had told my high school self that I would one day not believe that the account of creation in the Bible was not literal.

I would have called you crazy if you had told me a year ago that I would be having some of the conversations i’ve been having lately so soon.

I would have smiled if you told me i was beautiful.  At any time.

I would have been incredibly excited if you told me that during college I would visit Hungary, Romania, Ukraine, and China.  (Literall, jumping for joy)

I would have laughed uproriously if you had told me I would play tuba in an ensemble at any point in time before last semester.

I would have been in awe if you told me that I would conduct an orchestra playing the first half of the first movement of Beethoven’s 5th symphony during my college career.

You know….life is fun.  It’s hard sometimes.  It sucks sometimes.  but sometimes it is SO good, and really, you never know what it’s going to throw at you.  That can be good and bad, I suppose…but it makes for some really great stories.  I’ve changed a lot since High School.  Perhaps “changed” is not the right word exactly…I’ve grown a lot since high school.  I’m still who I was then…but I’m able to be myself more comfortably now.  I hide a little less.  I speak up a little more.  I am not afraid to admit that I get really excited when given the chance to play on a tire swing, and one of my favorite pastimes of late is watching disney movies with my roommate.  there is a child in the heart of me.  that doesn’t stop adulthood from knocking at my door daily though, and with the future looming ever nearer in the future…yeah, I have ideas about what’s there…but they’re some big broad ideas.  I lack details.  It will be interesting to see how it all ends up happening.  It will be interesting to see a couple years from now what has happened, and to be able to think back and say, I would have laughed if someone had told me that would happen….

God is good.  I have faith.

I am seriously lacking in motivation recently.  I don’t want to be in school.  I’m tired of it.  I’m ready for change, ready to move on, ready to leave the world of student-hood.  Of course I don’t know what I’ll be doing after that…so in that sense, at least, I am very much not ready.  But…oh I’m just so tired of it.

Sometimes I miss people a lot.  It makes my heart ache a little.

I read The Little Prince to my roommate as a bedtime story over the last few nights….it was really good.  She enjoyed it a lot.  We might start on the Chronicles of Narnia next….

I’ll be playing Zoomtube at Fall Music Festival as a soloist this year.  I can’t wait to see/hear people’s reactions….

I’m going to compete in the concerto competition this year.  There are 4 or 5 winners chosen who get to play their concerto with the orchestra.  Oh, that would be SO cool…

I’m going on a church college group retreat this weekend.  Sunday, to be specific.  I think it will be good.

I need to buy a new Bible.  Mine is falling apart.  Literally.  Like, my first page of Genesis is not actually attached anymore.  This is a problem…I need to decide which translation I want.  I feel like I’ve heard good things about the new american standard version….suggestions, anyone?

I wish I played my guitar more.  I wish I was good at it…(I probalby would be if I played it more)

I am not going to set my alarm tonight.  I am just going to sleep for as long as my body needs to.  It is going to be wonderful