Church

I’ve been chewing on the concept of the church for awhile now.  What the church is.  What it should be.  How it can change.  How i can be involved in a way that is condusive to it working how it should, rather than how it does.  What it means to live in community, to support, to be supported, to hold others accountable, to be held accountable.  I’ve rebelled to an extent against the concept of church that I grew up in.  I’ve discovered how to understand things for myself, and discovered that I really want to be in the community of the church, but as it should exist, rather than as it does exist.

After all of this…I’m preaching in church next sunday.  My team will be heading up the worship service.  I’m am exhilarated.  I am also terrified.

I know what I need to do.  I need to be honest. Open.  Laid bare.  Yes, in front of everyone.  No, this does not mean I’m going to tell my entire life story, but I KNOW that a certain amount of openness will be required of me in giving the sermon.  I mean, if it is going to be done well, and as it should be. It makes me uncomfortable.

In my weakness, God will be my strength.

Moses couldn’t speak.  He did a whole heck of a lot.  I can’t very well complain, can i?

All the same, prayers would be appreciated.

Funk

Family camp week 3.  That’s where I’m at right now.  More specifically, sitting in the bus, which for those of you who are not calvin crest familiar is the office for the coordinators.  Yes, a bus.  An old broken school bus, in which they installed counter space, computers, and old subway benches and tables.  And some shelves.  And lights.  And an air conditioner that doesn’t work very well.  It’s pretty sweet though.  And I mean seriously, how many people can say that a bus was their office?  Not many, dear friends, not many.

Summer has been a trip.  this week is the first in which I’ve actually had time off every day, which was somewhat unexpected, but quite nice.  It’s also given me time to realize, however, that i’m not really ok.  I mean, i’m fine, but….i’m not.  I’ve been in a funk the last few days (although i’m pretty sure it started awhile ago…like last week sometime…) and im not really sure why.  There’s something going on….and i need to figure out what it is, but somehow I can’t.  It doesn’t help that I can’t explain any of it.  I tried…it didn’t really work.  I ended up getting told that I’ve been doing an amazing job, which is really great to hear, not going to lie, but there’s something going on that’s not so amazing…i dont know.  It’s been strange.  I feel worse and worse when people ask me how I am and I say, “fine,” or “good,” or any of the other programmed responses, because it’s not true.  But I dont know what to say….I don’t actually have a real answer to the question.  And if I say that i dont know how I am, i’ll be expected to explain myself…which I can’t do.  Yet.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it has to do with letting things go.  Breaking down the wall.  Laying myself bare.  Letting people in.  But like i said….i dont know exactly.  yet.

Aside from the funk, things are going well.  Last week was the first week of sherwood, definitely insane.  So good, the kids were WAY into the robin hood skit.  I also had to deal with a lot of stuff in the beginning of the week….pretty sure that the hardest day of the summer is over though.  But really, I love sherwood.  Like, you have no idea.  Family camp this week has been wonderful as well.  My favorite has definitely been playing games at night with the parents.  Just super chill, super fun, and they give us tons of junk food.  Why not?

I could go on and tell stories and what not…but i’m not really in the mood to write a book at the moment, and most of this post is more of an outlet for me than an update….but whatev.  More to come for sure, and you should definitely ask me for stories, because i’ve got them.

Summer lovin’

This has been a wild ride.

And we haven’t even had campers yet.

Leadership is such a strange thing.  That having a title gives you authority over people.  It’s both something that a person steps into, and something a person is given.  They have to take charge, make the decisions that need making, do the things that need doing, teach the things that need teaching, but they also need a group of people who give them the authority to do that.  People who will follow where they lead, who will learn what they teach.  It is strange.  It is strenuous.  It is stressful and nerve wracking and sometimes i feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  BUT…i love it.  It will be a hard intense summer, but it will be full of so many good things that I am sure there will be no way to count them.

My team kicks butt.  Let me just say that.

This summer promises a lot of newness.  New experiences, new relationships, newly gained knowledge and wisdom.  It also promises many of the same things that summers have meant since I’ve worked here.  This community, dear old friends with whom I am free to laugh and cry, and Jesus absolutely blowing my mind with the ways in which He works.

I won’t blog too often.  I’ll tell you that right now.  But i’ll try to give a little update every now and then.  Right now i am doing well.  Occasionally slightly overwhelmed, but holding my own, and am realizing and finally beginning to believe that I have some really valuable things to give to this community and to the campers.  Of course, most of those valuable things come directly from Jesus, but the fact that He is using me….just wow.  Or the fact that He has given me experiences that allow me to do this job well, and to bring something new and me to the table.  I wondered before summer if I would try to be Janice once the job got going.  I am not Janice, and I am not trying to be her.  And regardless if she was a better coordinator than I am, the only way I can do things to the best of my ability is to be me. So here I am.  I don’t know everything.  Sometimes I really don’t know what to do.  I can’t verbalize half the thoughts in my head, and I’m much harder to really get to know than I would like to be.  But I’m doing what I can, and have faith that God is working through my weaknesses as well as my strenths.  Which He has.  And is.  And will continue to do.

I really just want to bless the people around me.  Really….that’s all I want right now.

It’s a good place to be in.

graduation

Calvin’s graduation was saturday.  All of my housemates graduated.  Everyone that I was a freshman with (with precious few exceptions) graduated.  They are all going to get jobs, going to grad school, going home, going going going.  I am staying.  No cap and gown for me (not this year, at any rate).  I’m not bitter exactly, but it was a very strange day.  These are the people I’ve lived with and spent my time with over the last four years…I felt like I should be graduating with them.  And I wasn’t.  I was (and am!) very excited for them….but saddened as well.  Purely selfish, I know, but I can’t help but have the feeling that I’m being left behind somehow.  It’s no one’s fault, it’s not even a bad thing, particularly, that I’m staying another year (it’s nothing less than necissary), but…we were freshmen together.  you’d think we would graduate together.

It was a really strange day.

Now I’m home, and feel rather far from all of that…but leaving this year was different too.  Until I was in the airport, it seemed really unreal.  I think it’s because somewhere in my mind I know that next year is going to be different.  I’ll be going to back to the same school, doing many of the same things I’ve always done, but this core group of people who I’ve lived with throughout my entire college career will be gone.  I’ll be living in an apartment with one other person, and I have no doubt that it will be amazing, but it will be very different.

I’ll also be the only 5th year senior in the music department.  I’ll just be old.  It’s weird to think that anyone would be intimidated by me for any reason, but I know that freshmen will be, because I was intimidated by seniors and super seniors as a freshman.  Shoot, i was intimidated by sophomores.

Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see how next year turns out.  To see how my core group of friends changes.  To see myself make the life decisions I need to make, and decide what i want to do after i graduate.  Where I want to go.  What it is exactly that I want to persue.  What I will have to sacrifice in order to do that.  So we’ll see what happens, right?  Right.  As for now, summer is looming in the very near future, and that is a grand adventure in and of itself.  But more to come on that as it unfolds….

faith

“Leap….and the net will appear.”

I’m scared shitless even if i can see the net.

I need to learn to trust.  That leap of faith isn’t easy, especially when you can’t see the stong arms that you know are there to catch you.

It’s hard even though you know they are there….you just can’t see them….

It is a pity that the world is so screwed up that it makes it so hard to just believe; you have to see everything first.  We learn when we are young that people lie, and that you can’t always trust what you are told, or what seems to be true.  We need to see it happen, we need proof, we need verification, we need a plan B just in case.

I don’t want to live without a safety net.  I want to live without fear and worry because I know there is a net, even if I can’t see it.

It’s really good that Jesus is patient with me.

worries

I am so tired of worrying about money.

I am so uneasy about finances next year.  Mostly because I don’t want to be completely broke when I graduate.  I also want to go to China with orchestra in January…my parents really don’t have money to pay for that, so I will be finding money and paying for that on my own.  If I really do go to europe when I graduate, i’ll have to pay for that plane ticket.  My living situation next year is….oh just stressing me out.  It was going to be great, there were going to be three of us getting a 2 bedroom apartment, which would make it plenty cheap enough, and it was going to be great.  But one person backed out, and now there’s just two of us…which is fine, except it makes everything MUCH more expensive…so we’re getting a one bedroom apartment…and rent is still going to be a good deal more than I’ve been paying…it just stresses me out.  It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except i’m not going to be working in the spring, because i’ll be student teaching.  Maybe I’ll just work like mad in the fall.  Maybe i’ll try to get random other jobs.  I’ll work really hard to get some gigs lined up…and babysitting jobs…and then…well, then I can have some extra money to last me….that would make me feel better.  We’ll see where i’m at after the china thing plays out.  that’ll probably make or break the situation.

I know God is just trying to teach me to trust.  To let go.  To know that I will be taken care of.

I think I just need to remember that.  That I can trust, and everything will be ok.  So maybe I’ll be a little broke at some point.  I’ll still be taken care of.